Bitch Slap Monday....#3

Now why would your dumb ass run and hide in the closet? 

Halloween means different thing to different people I am the vampire, scarecrow come to life, guts, slasher evil masked man that never dies kinda of Halloween person. I don't do happy ghost, pumpkins or witches.  I mean can we get any better than AMC's horror fest? Nope I think not...hello zombies they are everywhere this year and I cannot get enough. 

Today is my favorite holiday of the year by far...so today I decided that we should give the shout out and the five finger bitch slap salute to all the dumb "Biatches"  in the horror movies. As much as I love some of these chicks sometimes I just want to slap the living shit out of them. I have been on a bender of horror for the last few weeks and I sometimes watch and think what are these friggin broads thinking? I then remember that some {John Carpenter, Wes Craven, Rob Zombie they are masters}of these movies were made/directed by 21 year old sex freaks that are just starting out in Hollyweird, so let's make sure the chicks in the movies are dumb, stacked and most of the time costumed in white 'wife beaters"/blouses/nightgowns so when they happen to fall in water {usually a lake}/roll in ice cubes/wet t shirt scene we can get our jolly's on! Hey man whatever tickles your pickle.

The character always must be willing to shower/take bath after finding out that knife wielding maniac is wandering *neighborhood or has slashed their boyfriend into 85 different pieces.  

Jennifer Love Hewitt  I know what you did last summer
Horrible horrible movie she has just finished rolling in ice cubes  I read the book
no ice cubes were present

Also I have learned that you are to never ever turn your back on killer/maniac pumpkin/or puppets who do the killing for their master.  They will always come back.

I would not swim in a creepy lake during the day so tell me why would you do it in the middle of the night - alone?  When you know not just a few hundred years away from you that 50 campers had been fillet just a few years back....This also goes for taking a damn row boat for a foggy midnight run in the middle of the lake. Dumb Ass!

My favorite is when the girl falls....you think she is just gonna make it them BOOM she falls flat on her face and breaks something and is limping away...WHHHHYYYYYY do they continue doing this?  Drives me bat shit crazy..you know her happy ass is going down and soon as she hits the floor. 

So to all you wonderful babes out in horror land today I salute you for all you do to keep me entertained. Happy friggin Halloween to you.....

 *btw if I saw a 7 foot dude wandering my neighborhood in a f*cken mask and a zip up mechanics uniform a few days before Halloween I would 1. call cops 2.get my Beretta ready for a shot in the hear! But hey that is just me

A litte bit of this and a little bit of......

that. That is what yesterday was. It is hard to believe that it is almost November because based on our weather it is more like summer. Our weather has been friggin unbelievable I am talking about mid 70's to 80's.  Friday afternoon hubby came home early and we decided to take a walk to our little downtown area {LDG had a slight cold and I was drained Thursday} so we were home all day, a little walk sounded so good. When you are stuck home all day with a toddler you just wanna get out and do anything and that is what we did. We just strolled and enjoyed the scenery. Sometimes in life you need to stop and enjoy what is around you.  With today's 24/7 go go society I feel sometimes we do not take advantage of all the beauty that surrounds us.

With my daddy

Saturday it was a super packed with the kiddie Halloween festivities. We got LDG into her Halloween Costume...Hello check her out below. I know she is my kid but I think she is super damn cute in her red riding hood outfit.

Scoping out the loot

Ehhm mom how long do I need to be in this get up

We did the trick or treat thingy at the mall,  which was kinda of cool. I love the way all the stores get together and make it special for the kiddies. We might have to convince them next year that a wine garden would be an added bonus to the festivities....lol. It was fun, it was hot, it was loud and after an hour and half we were done. After all that fun shit we got together with a group of our neighbors that live in the cul de sac and got our wine on {in a responsible manner} while the kids ran around with their costumes. Monday will be the official trick or treat night and were we live they shut down the streets with a bunch of fun ass shit, haunted house, parade, candy...you get the drill. I love to see the expression on my little one face experiencing all this new stuff.  It is pretty unbelievable to think that a few years ago my Halloween weekends had a whole different meaning and costume choices.

Today it is all about relaxing, hanging out with hubby and LDG and just doing us. All in all I would say it has been a super friggin fantastic weekend.

WTF Friday.......Week Numero 11

Wooot...Wooot it is finally Friday and to boot it is Halloween weekend. I love, love this time of year. This year LDG is going to be little red riding hood...get ready for some cute pics to come your way. So this weeks list is a little short not too much bugged the shit out of me but eh who knows things can change in a night......

• OK Justin Bieber and Heidi "I am a dumb ass" Montage {chick from the Hills who went through 10 plastic surgeries and still looks like a truck ran over her face} are writing memoirs  - dude Justin aren't you like 12 and Heidi your 25 don't you have to live {and do something useful} with your lives before you decide to right a memoir? Are you going to have enough life experience to fill up pages. I guess your memoirs will look more like comic book.  Who the F8ck wants to read your shit anyways

• No shit really your telling me that Amy Winehouse passed away with complications related to alcohol. No friggin way..don't believe it....really you don't say. Man I could have given you that information a month ago Mr. Coroner

• The other day I read an article that more that a few couples admitted to doing the wild thing in bed while their child was sleeping in that same bed.....OK...I know that with kids you need to get it when you can...but ewww that is just plain WRONG.
• Netflix you got your ass handed to you....you should have listened to your loyal customers 800,000 and counting...greedy assholes

•  My poor little Steven Tyler he passed out in the shower and the below is the results. I love you Steven but WTF did you hit on your way down?

•  Dear Courtney Stodden if you had shown up at my Pumpkin Patch dressed like a skank around children I would have kicked your ass out to. Did your mama drop you on your head when you were a child? By the way your hubby is a deviant child molester I do not give a shit how you   want to paint the picture. Your 17 and he is 51 - We know your a media whore but have some self respect around kids you piece of #%^T*))(

• Whhhhyyyyyy is my child not going to sleep like she used to damn!

• On day 7 of all zombie, vampire, slasher fest at Casa Crazy. WTF is wrong with me....I mean when people call all they hear is the background is chainsaws and females screaming...God I love Halloween*no my child is not with me when I watch the really bad ones - she can live with Jaws being on.

• WTF did you think was going to happen - rumors are that the double K duo are already having marriage trouble. Gosh darnit that sure is a shocker!  I thought they would be together 4Ever....Mwahhhhhh

• This one is awesome. Colorado Springs police say a man's girlfriend unexpectedly came home just before another woman was due to visit, so he called police to report his new acquaintance as a burglar. WTF I would f*ck his shit up if this ever happened to me. He would get such a beating man he would be seeing double for the rest of his life. What a loser!

• And last but seriously not least.  WTF are you still doing here go check out Ms. Cyn @ http://chunkygoddess.blogspot.com/ and show her some bloggy love

 Peace and Happy Friday

What did you just say????

Here is a typical day for me here at Casa Crazy once you go through this list the post title will make sense.
Get up 5:30 in the am that gives me some me time before LDG gets up screaming for her mama and her baba. Get my tea on,  while water for tea is brewing I do the following . I do this every morning because I am weird and remember I have a slight OCD issue everything has a place and everything in it's place.

• Dust dinning room furniture 
• Dust living room furniture 
• Straighten out the couch from the massive jumping session from the night before with LDG
• Pick up all the toys - dog and child 
• Feed the dogs 
• Woo hooo water is finally ready drop tea bag while tea is brewing I run upstairs
• Make the bed 
• Pick up more friggin toys 
• Get LDG's diaper bag ready for the day 
• Load a load in the washer fold the shit in the dryer 
• Take a quick wake up shower - YES I take a shower before I go to the gym because I am {one} kooky that way {2} it wakes me the f*ck up
• Go downstairs finally drink tea...ahhhhh so good
• Check email, twitter, fb, blog  - start new post
• Start breakfast while bf is cooking, go upstairs wake up LDG, change her diaper, make up her crib, pick out outfit for the day {outside}
• Pick up more damn toys
• Eat breakfast while I give LDG her bottle - she is not a huge eater in the morning no time to argue with 21 month yr old
• Get us both dressed
• Tell the dogs to get the f*ck out of my way for the 5th time - hand them their 10th treat because I feel like shit telling them to get the f*ck out of  my way for the 5th time.
• Get LDG and I out the door so I can make it to 8:30 work out so I can get ready for the rest of the day
• Get my sweat on for about an hour on the elliptical -make lists for the next day on my Cozi Calender which rocks
• Based on which day you can insert ________________ here what I will be doing. Grocery shopping, running massive amounts of errands, bring LDG to her electives/park ect....
• Get home, take shower {again}ewww from gym - do not shower at gym because just nasty
• Change LDG in her play clothes, get lunch ready for LDG 
• Play wrestling with LDG as I place her down for a nap {which has been a struggle but I am bigger so I always win} this can take anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours
• Ahhhh sit down for about an hour work on blog,bills,ebay store ect,,,
• Whatever special project I have going for the next month it will be purging my house of shit
• LDG is up from nap, change diaper and get snack ready 
• Go outside and play with dogs and LDG - LDG goes to play room and we hang out 
• Get dinner started - while prepping I usually bake something not everyday but a good portion of the days I do- hubby takes to work for the sales staff because the bad, bad baked goodness are not allowed in my house. I love baking but baking does not love my ass!
• Set table, get shit together.  Between the hours of 4-5 the damn witching hour in this house were LDG is crabby, pain in the ass and once again attempting to ride the dogs. During this time she has called mama, mom,mommy, maaaaaaaaaaa for the 100th time.
• Hubby comes home we sit down for dinner - 5:30 he looks at me and says 

So what did you do all day today?????  Oh you know I sat on my ass and ate Bon Bon all day. Are you friggin kidding me!!! Did you just say that out loud! Oh damn!*Snap. My neck just busted a Linda Blair around the world.

*No harm was caused to my hubby when he made this comment...He had had a very bad day and it was not meant to come out that way....Or so he says....Mmmmm

Kinda Wordless Wednesday ..........

Taking a break this week from What a Waste Wednesday because my brain was just not into it. Between all the pre Halloween festivities with the kid, costume modifications and just running around - this week is a wash. I am still budgeting/saving and I am getting pretty good so now it has become my mission never to buy retail again.  Today I did a bit baking and allot of candy buying. I have a love hate relationship with Halloween.  Below you will see why. One for the goodie bag - 2 for me.

Scene of the crime

The urge to purge....

LDG being kept busy while mama cleans up closets..

Do you have some of those days were you get up, look around and go...Man I have allot of shit! Well I have been going through this feeling for the last month and I am ready to start purging Casa Crazy. Maybe it is because of have caught a few episodes of Hoarders and Clean House and man just watching that show makes me friggin anxious. How the hell can people live like that? I would have a mental breakdown not being able to walk in my own home. I am nothing like these cases I am on the other end of the spectrum.  We have accumulated allot of stuff as a couple the last few years, add a toddler and all her shit and it is sensory overload for me. So in the next few weeks I am purging out the stuff we no longer have the need for. I mean for the love of God I have an attic full of business suits that I know for a fact I will no longer be using...why because I do not see myself ever going back to the 9-5 corporate grind been there done that...too much stress for not a whole lotta of pay back. That was fun when I was 25 no longer fun when your almost 42 and just not in the mood to play the games. I would rather have 3 little part time jobs  I do on my own time {so I can be here for LDG} than one uber stressful "corporate job". I have seen wayyyy to many people give up their lives and their health for these "opportunities"  only to end up getting a swift kick in the ass when you are no longer needed.

I am in the process of getting a little Ebay store together and on that site I am going to sell shoes, LDG barely used clothing and my clothing/shoes that I no longer fit in or wear. What is the saying go through your closet if you have not worn it for a year it goes bu by. Most of my goods are classic pieces so I am hoping they will go quickly. I also have a ton and one toys, soon to be baby furniture. Neighbor/friend and I been talking about having a block garage sale, since all of the females around here have had babies in the last few years we have a whole lotta stuff to get rid of.   Why not, make some $$$ and have some fun in the mean time. Below is a little preview of some of the shoes that I  will be getting rid of. ****These pieces were accumulated during the years of my stupid ass spending BUT I will not apologize for loving some nice shoes******

Bitch Slap Monday #2

OK so I have been kinda grumpy the last few days because of nada zzzzzz's -  between my daughter and the demon dog next door it has been a rough few days. So I think that the second installment of Bitch Slap Monday would work really well for me this lovely ass morning.

Dear Lindsay,
What the hell happened to the girl below?

Where is this beautiful red headed actress that everyone compared to the beauty and talent of a young Anne Margaret...
Between the drinking, drugging and burning the candles at both ends you now at best look like a  haggard Paris Hilton. What happened to that sweet young girl with the acting ability of a lion? You are 25 years old Lindsay and look to be about 54. Your teeth are rotting,  your face looks bloated. You look like you have not showered in weeks and your seems to be falling out from all the dying that you do. I do not believe that no one around you has ever slapped you upside your crack head and said to you to just stop the madness.  But Hollywood does have a habit of building their stars up just so they can tear them back down....Hello Britney. We should not just blame HoWood ...I believe yo mama had allot to do with your downfall. Your mom should have been there for you as a mom and not a "friend". Now my fear is that she is gunning to make your lil sister "famous" your nothing but yesterdays coat tails for her.

So Lindsay I hope you can got off this awful road of destruction and hopefully you have not caused too much damage to your career but girl you deserve a bitch slap for having the world in the palm of your hand and completely throwing it away.

P.S. Your mama deserves a double bitch slap for being part of the problem and not being there for you as mother she was more concerned with her fame than your well being.

Last night I finally.....

had to nark....I don't enjoy narking -  it is not my thing but when you have done all you can do and the well being of dogs are involved {and the lack of  my little ones and my sleep}.  I do not give a crap of what people think. Hubby and I have spoken to these friggin hard headed neighbors on 5 separate occasions about their friggin barking dogs. I have offered to watch/babysit the dogs if they are ever in a bind..Last night was the last F* straw we had had enough.

Barking started at 11:00 did not end until way bast 2:30.. I will not bore you with the background if you want to read what we have been through go Here .
I do not know if these people just don't get it or just do not care. I believe the mother hears me when I speak to her about this but is not listening. But enough is enough..You have dogs you accept the responsibilities that come with it. In this case you cannot leave the DAMN dogs by themselves for long periods of time because they are lonely, anxious, scared  - which equals to long bouts of barking on the deck that is right by  LDG's bedroom and mine.

This is what I wish I could paint on my roof in the neighbors direction

 At least when I was outside trying to get the dogs to go back in the house through the tiny dogie door I was welcomed by the sight of other neighbors in their jammies wondering were the hell all the barking was coming from...Thank you... now I am not the only one who is bothered by this.  The other neighbors were pissed and they informed me that this was not the only time they have called the sheriff regarding the treatment of the dogs. The sheriff arrived quickly but he informed us that their is really nothing he can do {but at least their is a report just in case we need to contact the SPCA}. He left a card with a note on the door explaining the situation and too take care of it, so hopefully this time they GET IT!
Let see what happens today when they finally show their faces. In the mean time I am off to the beach, awesome weather {80's} so we are off to get the fur monkeys wet....Happy Sunday!

I think my child

is turning into an asshole....Yep I have gone and said it..Maybe it is the lack of oxygen to my brain that has me talking this way. Or maybe it is because for the last 3 nights my little darling has been crazed and hubby and I have not gotten a good night sleep. I do not do well without sleep...period. If I do not get 8-9 hours a night I am f*ckin useless.  LDG has gone from walking herself to her crib at exactly 7:55  down and out sleeping by 8:10 to not wanting to go to bed until 10:00 and that is fighting her tooth and nail - She has gotten so stealth and agile getting out of her crib we don't even hear her until she is halfway to our bedroom...which by the way scares the shit out of us both since hubby and I border on the paranoid side. Hearing little pitter patter of feet in the middle of the night kinda has us both on edge.

What the hell are you staring at?

She has also been defiant, freaks out if you take her accessories away from her {she has been walking around everywhere  with one of my purses for the last few weeks,.....very attached..Can't blame the girl there}. Can't get her to eat unless it is the mushroom risotto from Trader Joe's and she has been super bitchy. I am freaking out because I have a feeling she is getting to that terrible 2 stage.... you know the one that I made myself believe would never happen to my child. Maybe what is making it so hard for me to accept,  is that just a week ago she was fine..it's like a light switch went off overnight. Don't get me wrong she is not horrible,  people always comment on how well behaved she is. I just have noticed more of her personality taking shape and she is definitely getting allot more independent....I told me hubby now is the  time to really bring the hammer down when it comes to the discipline when the line is crossed it is crossed and I will discipline the way I was brought up.  I sometimes I have to drill into hubby's brain because he tends to be a little "soft" ...LDG has him wrapped around her finger already. That is cool I am good being the bad cop whatever it takes too make sure my child becomes a productive and stable member of society. It is a little hard for me because I see that........Mwahhhhhh my baby is growing up.

*Side note - I am here blogging and watching Village of the Damn - Ahhh let's see people you were told during your pregnancy that the children were demon seed of some kind of alien that took over your village...you still had the children and now your bitching because they are doing evil things and killing people with their brains and evil eyes..WTF did you think was going to happen?

WTF Friday Week Numero 10....

guys we are on our 10th week of WTF and do you see the little kitty flipping off whatever that is what I feel like this morning. I am tired.  I started this post last night but between the exorcist possession of LDG who REFUSED to go to bed at 8 like she normally does but instead decided to run up and down the hall for two hours like a maniac,  while  mommy was trying to watch Project Runway - Dammit!
Add to the mix that we shook, rattled and rolled last night at around 8 with our second earthquake of the day - first one happened at 4 and totally did not feel it could be because LDG was jumping on the couch.

Nothing major I mean I lived here my whole life last night was just a 4.0 which didn't even get hubby and I off the bed..we kind of looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. What worries me is that when we have little tremors like this it means that the next one is going to be a jolt. And with the weather being as mild as it has been reminds me of the years before the 89" when the pattern was just like this before we shook at 7.1.

Anywhoo, I am freaking out because I am telling you gang time is wizzing by...I mean friggin jolly time is around the corner. I used to work as a retail manager many moons ago and to this day I am not fond of red, fat men with a white beards and annoying Christmas music. So with that little Scrooge moment let's get down to some bness'.

• What were you thinking when you thought to come that close to my baby daughter and tell me how beautiful she was and then attempting to touch her face with your creepy hand ...you weirdo looking man. You are lucky security spotted you because you were about to lose your nut sack. I fear what I would do to the person that would ever harm my child. I saw red today...I saw nothing but red and it scared me.

• I am going to double WTF are you kidding me...are you f*ckin kidding me it is October and the Christmas music has already started. I am not ready for this shit yet.

• Lovely Mommy in Kansas City admits that she was drunk when baby was taken from house. OK I love to get my vino on once in awhile but lady are you fo reals? How friggin drunk were you and why did you get that drunk not to hear someone bashing in your window and taking your baby...why do I have a feeling much more shit will surface regarding this case?

•  $25,000 for a pair of sunglasses, - $39,000 dollar back pack from The Row sells out...WTF I guess the recession does not hit people who can spend this much on luxury shit.  OK....ok I am just pissed puppy because I am on a damn budget!

•  I read that some "people"are actually calling Halloween stores looking for the Casey Antony costume. OK did we all just go insane. Really...wow who would even want to pretend to be this POS human being.

•  WTF is up with shitty bad Old Navy commercials....God they suck

•  How the hell did all those exotic,engendered and beautiful animals get into this country let alone Ohio with out anyone stopping the madness. Someone is going to have allot of explaining to do and hopefully will get their heads bashed in. This was wrong on sooo many levels.

• Here is another WTF doozy - 39 year old dad charged with child abuse after having his 9 year old daughter...that would be 9 year old daughter drive his happy drunk ass home. The professor was smart enough to stop at a gas station to fill up with gas or gets cigs not sure which -  this was so awesome because it made it possible the gas stations security cameras to take in all the action....Oh he also for slurredd to the attendant that his 9 year old drove him there....Brilliant just brilliant. I thought Homer Simpson was a cartoon character I guess not!

Father of the Year

• Dang can we have one week were not one of our produce is infected by some kind of damn salmonella 
• How can you tell me that you did not know you were pregnant????. Every time I see tid bits of this show I shake my head in amazement. How the f*ck can that be possible? I mean I felt something was up right away!

•  WTF was I thinking when I left my child alone with the play doh and the fur monkeys...I guess play doh taste good because fur monkey 2 ate all of the blue and half the red. Have I not learned anything from the "Marshmallow Incident."

 Happy Friday!

The stick that changed....

my life. Yep that is exactly what I was thinking last night as my sugar charged daughter  *damn she found my PMS emergency M&M stash* was foaming running up and down the hallway screaming go..go...go...chasing the fur monkeys.  In the mean time I am sitting on the bed trying to hang on to the last 3 brain cells I have left after the tiring day I had with LDG.  I am thinking to myself how the hell I got here? Then I remember it was that damn stick!  Obviously I did not have sex with a stick...well kinda ...oh you know what I mean.

I guess I was just skipping down memory lane with myself....It is hard to believe that almost 2 years ago a plus on an ugly off white stick changed our lives forever.....I remember the day so clearly....I believe it was the Friday after Father's Day. The weeks before that day my whole body was just not my body. I felt super bloated, I was crying at the drop of the hat, could not get out of bed, had zero energy and my boobs were HUGE. I was calling my hubby at work just crying and I could not figure wtf what going on?  I know your probably saying..come on girl figure it out you were prego. That thought never ever crossed my mind.... Let me give you some background. I was married prior to my current hubby never got prego, never had an "accident" in my life time, and was told many years ago because of my bouts with ovarian cyst I was probably going to be able to have kids - the easy way.  I never pushed the subject because I did not see rug rats in my future. I  thought I was to selfish, did not have the patience and really was not to fond of kids.  I was at peace with the thought of not having any and my hubby hated kids so we were alll good. It was hubby and I against the world!
4 months before this all went down I had lost my mother to a horrible battle with cancer. It sucked  - as a family we were side swiped by this horrible POS disease so I just figured it was my body shutting down from that. I had never ever been late you could set a timer to my period, so maybe that should have been the first f*ckin clue that something was amiss.

 During this time I was speaking to my SIL about this and she is like "Girl you sound like you are pregnant." I was like shut the f*ck up their is no way I am pregnant I am just stressed and maybe a little depressed". Three days after that very conversation...I was sitting home bored and bloated...I was tired of crying and decided what the hell let me just take a pregnancy test for the hell of it...what do I have to loose, it is going to be negative anyways...so there.   I drank about 3 sobe diet green teas and peed away on the stick which is kinda hard if you really think about it. I stepped away from the stick and left it in the bathroom.  After what seemed like forever I went in & checked the results.

HOLY SHIT....is that....no it can't be...it just can't be...there is no friggin way that I am knocked up...No way...OK chic get it together....focus...focus...*wave drama hands in front of face* Sparkles...focus..I think I am going to be sick...OK....first thing need to ...call...husband...he is going to freak the f*ck out.....WTF..... I am going to be 40 when I squeeze this kid out..I am too old...OMG....WTF!


Yeah...hello hubby...ymmmm...ok I just took one of those pregnancy stick thingys and it is saying I am positive.... even though one of the light blue lines is really not dark but kinda of faded so it is probably wrong...I got a defective stick......yeah..yeah that is it...right? OK ...don't tell me to f*cken relax....I am relaxed.... please go get me another stick at drug store so I can verify that this is so wrong..the ones that say prego or not prego. No more plus sticks.

Hubby comes home with stick(s), green teas and a very weird look on his face..Chug...chug...chug..pee..peee.....peeee.  This time hubby goes in and checks the stick....he comes out with this shocked and pale face and he shows me the stick. Black and white, no mistake you are pregnant...girl.  To this day I remember a wave of emotions that just kicked my ass. I was scared, overwhelmed and so so very scared. I knew my mom was responsible for this miracle and I know that she had allot to do with this work from "upstairs".  My mom always wanted me to have kids and and I always fought against it.  She was right...It is hard to believe that something we never wanted in our lives could bring us both so much happiness and terror....Life has a way of throwing you some jabs and this one was the mother of all punches.....But you know what I know for a fact we would have it no other way......